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On a very hot summer day, a woman notices a neighbor lady struggling in the heat to mow the lawn while her husband sits on the porch in the shade drinking a nice cold beer. She becomes furious and heads over and confronts the man. "You inconsiderate bastard, you should be hung" The man replies, "I am, that's why she's mowing the grass!"

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job" She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that. No.1 you have to be single, and No.2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm a Catholic too ." The nun says, "Okay, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess,I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party. "


Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt, so I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me! " "Johnny!" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad!" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault! There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Lee who was sitting next to me saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"


The third grade teacher was teaching her English class. She repeated to her student, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." The teacher explained that this was an example of poetry, but that it could be changed to prose by changing the last line from, "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later, the teacher asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little..." He stopped short and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny continued, "asshole."


Little Johnny's parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their son's behavior. His mother had heard that a priest in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if they should send Little Johnny to speak with the priest. The husband said, "We might as well... we need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The priest agreed to speak with Little Johnny. The priest sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" Little Johnny made no response, so the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, Little Johnny made no attempt to answer, so the priest raised his voice again and shook his finger in the boy's face, "Where is God?" A frightened Little Johnny ran out of the room and directly home to his bedroom, where he slammed himself in the closet. Little Johnny's mother followed him into the closet and asked, "What happened?" Little Johnny replied, "I'm in BIG trouble this time... God is missing and they think I did it!"


Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along. Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat." An excited Little Johnny agreed. Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."


Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between a potential situation and a realistic situation?" The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned." So Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." Johnny then went to his sister and said. "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? "The girl replied. "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!". Little Johnny then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" Johnny replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts." The father replied, "That's my boy!"


An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn`t seen a woman in years. Just co-operate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I`m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."


The elderly couple was watching television one night when he said, "Doris, the money from the Social-Security checks is almost gone, the next ones aren't due for a week and we don't have enough money for food. I hate to suggest this, but you're gonna have to go out onto the streets and hustle." "Hustle? Me?" she exclaimed. "But I'm 78!" " It's the only way," her husband concluded sadly. Resigned to the situation, the old woman went out onto the streets and didn't come staggering back until early the next morning. "Here," she said, "I made 25 dollars and 25 cents." "25 dollars and 25 cents?" her husband hollered. "Who gave you a quarter?" "Everybody!"


An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them around your mother after I'm gone."


Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"


This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"


The Cozens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cozen made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Cozen turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, Honey."


A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there. She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!". The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"


Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first.


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"


A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they Would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers candies, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," said the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey Lifesavers in their mouths, all of the children were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time." Instantly, one child spat the Lifesaver candy out of his mouth and yelled, "Spit 'em out, you guys! They're assholes!"


George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"


An 80-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow". The next day, the 80-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"


A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, " Honey, your ass is getting big. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's ass. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size! "The wife got very incensed & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?" How about a little lovemaking? "The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "Surely you don't think that I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you ?


A very drunk gentleman comes staggering in early one morning just as the sun is coming up. His very angry wife is waiting for him and says, "What do you think you're doing staying out all night? Just for that I'm cutting you off." Her husband begins to laugh, and she says, "What in the hell are you laughing at?" With tears rolling down his face from laughing so hard he says, "You can't cut me off. You don't know where I've been getting it!"


Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done. The next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your spouses. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."


A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."


One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie, who told him he'd get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. "What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie. "I want one billion dollars," replies the man. "Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double what you got." "I know." The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So, he gets his second wish and he's very content. "Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie. The man ponders for a moment, then answering, "I wish to be beaten half to death."


An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."


So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?" The guy says, "Buddy, I'm 6 feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?" The fella says, "Naw, you're right -- I'd hate to have to explain it three times."


Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."


A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you." "But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!" "But dad, LOOK HOW BIG AND FAT THAT LADY IS!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. "LOOK OUT DAD, SHE'S BACKING UP!"


A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?" The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started." The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?" "Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"


This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ." The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the doctor "Any asshole can sing country music!"


A lady was shopping for a turkey in a grocery store and after pawing through the freezer section and growing dissatisfied with the small ones that were left, she turned to the stock boy and asked snippishly, "Don't these turkeys get any bigger?" To which he calmly replied, "No maam. They're dead!"


It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher, Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch. The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle. To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back. Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy said I could wear them to school today."


It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her: "What are you up to?" Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot". Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!


Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"


A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?" "Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuckin'. When you white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman, we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time. "The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but very slowly and very gently. "Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a black guy?"

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother."

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench. "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. "His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."

Three guys, a Oregonian , a Californian and a Washingtonian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Oregonian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Oregon." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Oregon was forever made fertile for farming. The Californian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around California, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around California. The Washingtonian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out." And the man from Washington says "Fill it up with water'.

A redneck truck driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west, and the CB crackles to life" Hey, redneck driver, who's the two biggest faggots in America?" The redneck replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the redneck gets all pissed off, but the other driver tells him, "Its just a joke, tell it to the next truck you see." So the redneck drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey, other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The redneck replies, "Me and my brother."

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand."

A gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records, Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me," he said, opening the gate and walking in. After walking some, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Now follow me, we're almost there." After some more walking, St Peter dropped his keys again, and once more, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk, and for the third time St Peter drops his keys, and bends over to pick them up. The gay guy, having absolutely no self control, jumps on him. Saint Peter is now fed up, and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong... it is freezing, no fire, no lava, and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so god damn cold down here?" St Peter asks. "Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" the devil replied.

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news,and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky". There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North." "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan. "So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and--BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..". He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

A blonde was recently hired at our office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair. She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it? The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!" She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde. "Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor. "Why not"? asked the first blonde. "Because you've got to roll up the windows first"

A blonde woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush. The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The blonde agrees and starts right away. The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the blonde had completed 4 miles, double the required average. The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets worse." The boss called the blonde in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile. Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?" The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!"

A blonde is driving down the road, she notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left ..a little more to the right!!"

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The blonde replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage." Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you." Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look too long."

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped. "His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it... she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single." The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know." He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a major black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with hugh breasts was there, so instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh, and she hauled off and hit me in the eye." First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife, please pass the box of Wheaties, but I accidentally said, you ruined my whole life you stupid bitch."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. "Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. "And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "May I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 20 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Bill Clinton comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Clinton is a horse's ass." Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his barstool, then stomps out. He gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Hillary Clinton appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his barstool again. He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Clinton country?" "Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half... The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada, Sir." Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just tramps and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, "Sarge". The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price. A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole Sarge?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, -"Daddy, what's Sex?". "OK" He thinks this day was bound to come, and am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets. So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams. Then she asks: Daddy what is "A Couple"? And he carries on :a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males also, where they penetrate from the ass, or two females which we call lesbians, where they use the tongue on the vagina, and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc... The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex" ? "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom's interest in health food and proper diet. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house jacuzzi. The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "So, what are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free!" Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick -- this is Heaven!" With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man glared at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!"

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "I'd had a few drinks and you know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course where the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it. After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "You must be an anesthesiologist." The male doctor says, "Wow, how did you guess?" The female doctor replies, "I didn't feel a thing."

This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over." "The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. I 'd like to see her run!"

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00" She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He replies, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the boss's surprise, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again, the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."

Virus Information

Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus: Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the physician, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'dick'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!" He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?" The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else." Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks, "What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know." Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage." The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen. She got so mad she called the video store to complain. Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static." Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? " The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin." "Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, Ok?". The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs. The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this Is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumbs."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean in the port of New York. When she stepped to the docks, a sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. "Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded "yes." After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady" said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man...that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?" The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ. He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Two men are being chased by a bear which is rapidly gaining on them. The first man stops to put on some running shoes. "I don't know why you're bothering," screams the second "we've got no chance of outrunning a grizzly!" "I don't need to outrun *him*," returns the first "all I've got to do is outrun *you*!"

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.

7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.

8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).

9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Upon her husband's return home from a meeting, the fond wife asked: "How was your talk tonight?" "Which one?" he retorted. "The one I was going to give, the one I did give, or the one I delivered so brilliantly to myself on the way home in the car?"

One day, Timmy was in his backyard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him, says, "Hey, Timmy, what are you doing that for?" Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him." The neighbor notes, "Well, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, don't you think?" Timmy glares back. "No, my goldfish is inside your CAT!"

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up." When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?" "That was the only one," said the young salesman. "Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?" "Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man. The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you manage that?!?" "Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh, and floor mats." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!" "No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket." "A blanket?" "Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing......."

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and then drink the juice. "Will this cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No, but it will wipe that *smile* off of your face."

2 dwarfs win the lottery and decide to go out and blow a wedge on a couple of high class whores. They go to the most exclusive brothel in the town and get the 2 most beautiful whores in the place, and the 2 finest rooms in the building for the whole night. The first dwarf goes into the magnificent room, all candlelit (the room, not the dwarf), huge bed next to the sunken bath and the bar, and watches as the girl slowly undresses herself. But try as he might he could not get an erection. They got on the bed and she started playing with him but still no result. Unfortunately he could hear through the walls his mate going 1..2..3..HUH! 1..2..3..HUH! 1..2..3..HUH! This goes on all night. In the morning they meet in a restaurant for breakfast and to discuss the nights events. The second dwarf says "So how did it go then?" "Not good" said the first. "No matter what I did or she did I couldn't get an erection all night. Still, you had a hell of a night by the sounds of things you randy bugger!" "You must be joking" said the second. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man, with an astonished look on his face, stormed out, and justbefore slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don`t talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin` abouta sexa? I`m a justa tellin` my frienda how to spella `Mississippi`."

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my knackers chopped off now, don't you?"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English lanbguage. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer...'"

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history....

As the woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she hears a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observes her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replies, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, not married and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father hears the same buzz coming from the other side of that same, closed bedroom door and, upon entering the room, observes the daughter making passionate love to that vibrator. To his query as to what she is doing, the daughter says, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, not married and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." Couple days later the wife comes in from the shopping trip, places the groceries on the kitchen counter and hears that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She enters that area and observes her husband sitting on the couch and staring at the TV while that vibrator is next to him on the couch just buzzing like crazy. The wife asks, "What the hell are you doing?" to which the husband replies, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful, and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer!"

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She said, "The teeth."

This man and his wife were out playing golf when he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building. His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green." He looked it over and decided to do it. He hit the ball, the ball hit the building, bounced back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the spot. A few years later, the man remarried, and was out playing golf with his new wife, he ends up in the same spot, behind the building. "His new wife says, look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green." The man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a double-bogey."

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 MORE JOKES ARE ON PAGE 2

ALL JOKES WERE COLLECTED FROM SEVERAL SOURCES. I DID NOT WRITE, NOR CLAIM TO WRITE ANY OF THIS MATERIAL. I HAVE GATHERED THESE JOKES TO PROVIDE VIEWERS WITH A COLLECTION OF ONES THAT I BELIEVE TO BE FUNNY. IF YOU WERE OFFENDED, FUCK OFF!

 

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